How could it have been 3 months since I last sat down and wrote? Did I REALLY slack this bad? Yes, yes, I did.
I didn't blog at all during my crazy fall crunch time, or through the holidays or even after Christmas was over. I don't have a good answer other than I was busy and it didn't get done.
You see, I have a problem with "being busy" Projects, events, people, things to do lists, lunches, dinners, parties seem to always find me and I hate saying no.
When I am home and am invited to lunch or to a party or this event or that I like to feel somewhat normal and involved so I quite often say yes when all I want to do is sit in my home and study, prepare, and sleep!
In the middle of our fall crazy crunch time last year I had a breakdown one night. We were in our hotel room in a city that shall remain nameless and I fell apart. I was eating food I didn't like because there wasn't much to choose from near where we were staying and when I went to take a shower after traveling a very long way that day and having sung a full concert and had to be up early the next morning for 2 more services, I fell apart. The hotel shower was so small my big toe barely fit inside! It was ridiculous. AND, to top it all off, there was NO hot water.
I came out of the bathroom and exploded. I sobbed. I told my husband that I quit and I was done. I didn't want to do this anymore. He looked up at my very lovingly and said in a very concerned, puzzled tone, "What's the matter baby?" I begin to tell him my woes and that all I wanted and needed was a hot shower.
After talking, crying, praying, and more crying I finally calmed down although I never got a hot shower, I knew I couldn't and wouldn't quit. How could I?
I realized my problem wasn't that I hadn't got a hot shower. It wasn't all the miles we'd driven or the fact that I felt like nothing I sang or shared even meant anything to the people that night. My problem was my focus was off.
Matthew 6:33 speaks to me everytime I read it. I often recite it to myself. I love this verse!
"But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you."
I had failed. I had been working very hard, singing my heart out, sharing and giving of myself, planning for this and that, going to this event or that event but yet I wasn't seeking The Kingdom- I was doing a lot of great things for The Kingdom but I was more concerned with making sure things went right and that details for this and that were worked out.
How silly. How wrong. How dumb.
You see, if we will seek HIM first and make it about HIM and not us everything else will fall into place. It really works!
When I work the hardest in my own flesh I fail every time.
My prayer for this new year and all it holds for me, for our ministry is that The Kingdom of God will be more important than any date booked, any retreat to plan any event to get ready for or any new CD to record.
God help me. Hot shower or not, I am seeking HIM!